SEO continues to be called a ‘waste of time’, ‘evil’, a ‘waste of money’ and worse all over the net, and by numerous different sites. I know I’m not the only SEO proponent banging my head against the proverbial wall.
Heck, if SEO is such a waste of time, perhaps the purveyors of these gems of wisdom should stand by their convictions and do exactly what SEO advises against to prove their point.
Without further ado, this is my advice for all those who really and truly feel that SEO advice and best practice is a waste of their precious time and money…
1. Don’t conduct any keyword or online competitive research. Pfft, I mean you know your site and your product so of course you know exactly what people are looking for when searching for your online offering – so you should definitely focus on the phrase ‘preowned automobiles’ if you’re a used truck salesman in a farm community of the Midwest – it’s all about the brand
2. Ensure that you utilize a noindex, noarchive and nofollow tag in your <header>
3. Use the same title tag for every page, or just leave it out – no biggie
4. Make sure you include every possible variation of your keyword at least twice in the meta description and meta keywords tags; better yet don’t use the meta description and double up on the keywords in the meta keyword tag to be safe
5. Don’t make use of Alt attributes. In fact, stop wasting time and just robots.txt out your image folder, much more efficient use of web dev time
6. Don’t bother with <H> tags – users can see the headline just fine
8. Keep your pages as clean as possible by using as little text as possible so as not to confuse your users
9. Be clever and include at least 15 lines of repetitive keywords in the same color text as your background to make sure your pages are topically relevant to the search engines, assuming you care about search engine traffic in the first place … no, no, not SEO.. Search. Traffic. – Pay attention…jeez
10. If you simply must include content, make sure you scrape it or use auto generated content – much more efficient really, oh – and definitely use iFrames
11. It’s fine to make sure people find pages on your site by including them a few times each
12. If you are in the US but your major market is Canada, make sure you buy a .com and host in the States, and never pay any attention to the quality of your server… everyone goes down once in a while
13. Make use of dynamic URLs with special characters and session ids, don’t bother with mod-rewrites – another colossal waste of time
14. Change URL naming protocols frequently and definitely apply .302 redirects, or just leave it and let it all come naturally
15. Don’t bother with a custom 404 – Google has a handy 404 error page you can use for free
16. Be clever and fool the engines by using doorway pages
17. Definitely don’t worry about choosing a canonical version, the users see the same version of the page you’ve designed for them anyway
18. Don’t worry about trying to get backlinks, they’re totally over-rated. If you must (some idiot says it’s important – the SEO Manager no-doubt), then commenting on every blog you know – every page on every blog is much better – will get you lots of links fast. Or use a backlink bot (referrer spamming) - even better
19. You should, however, ensure that you link out to as many sites as possible – doesn’t really matter if they’re related to your business – and if they happen to link to hundreds of other unrelated gambling and porn sites, well that’s super – bigger network for you
20. Don’t worry about including an html sitemap, also totally over-rated
21. Definitely make use of proxy spamming – heck spam away
22. Don’t bother with web analytics, another dire waste of time
23. Definitely sell links – great income sideline
24. Thinking ‘my site is built therefore they will come’ is bang-on
I’m completely happy to stake my little SEO buttocks on the line when I say with utter certainty that employing these tactics will ensure the disappearance of a site from the SERPs PDQ. And if our dear SEO haters don’t know what SERPs is, it’s probably just as well. Then again, my advice as an SEO is a waste of time, so perhaps they should just go ahead and knock themselves out… literally, and in more ways than one.
Note; The fact that I am not at SES San Jose has in no-way made me feel bitter, twisted or generally irritable.
Nonetheless, please feel free to follow my usually sunny-side up pro-SEO views on Twitter…
Note 2; Do you think pro-SEO will become one of the rallying cries of the next election? *sigh* Well, I have my virtual sandbox soapbox in the meanwhile…
Note 3; [to the SEO haters] My buttocks may not be that small, but they’re better than your SEO…
AND back to the sandbox for me