SEO Mission Impossible

If you have ever tried to explain what you do as an SEO to young children you may appreciate this post.

 

Introducing the cast:

 

• 5 year old son – C1
• 5 year old daughter – C2 (Yes, they’re twins. No, I’m not a rabbit)
• 7 year old son – C3 (Just started Grade 2)
• Me – err… Me

 

 

C3 – Mom, we have to ask our moms and dads if you can come to school and tell us a bit about what you do. What do YOU do mommy?

 

Me – I work on the internet sweetheart.

 

C3 – YOU made all those cool games?… (C3 gets very excited) Wow that is sooo coo… (mom rudely interrupts)

 

Me – No honey. Mommy works for a company who helps people to make their web sites easier for people to use and find on the internet.

 

C2 – But we know where the games are mom. The pretty star always takes us to them, just like it took the shepherds to Jesus.

 

Me – Yes sweetie. Err, no sweetie. The shepherds followed a real star. The star on you computer is called a favorite button because it’s where we put your favorite games for you to play them and find them easily.

 

C2 – Yes mommy. You made it easy for me to find them.

 

Me – You’re right sweetie (no arguing that logic), but that’s not all that mommy does. I al….

 

C3 – Oh, grow up! The internet is the Googley thing where mom types in things like ‘monster trucks’ for us to see pictures of mud and trucks and stuff. (Little angel is already a mucky Googler in the making…)

 

Me – err. Yes but…

 

C1 – No. It’s where she finds the ‘lectric man when the fireplace goes poof

 

Me – err. Yes but…

 

C2 – Mama…

 

Me – Yes honey.

 

C2 – Can we have a cookie?

 

…..

 

10 minutes later

 

Me – See this boxey thingey (looking at Google search box with 6 glued-to- the-screen little eyes).

 

C1, C2, and C3 – *very solemnly* Yes Mommy (I love it when they say that. So very, very rare.)

 

Me – Right tell me something you want to know more about.

 

C2 – princesses!

 

C3 – monster trucks!

 

C1 – rocks! (geologist in training…)

 

Me – err… OK. The rocks gets it – how about we look for information on treasure, like rubies or aquamarine stones or emeralds and see what the internet tells us?

 

C1 – yay!

 

C3 – *grumble*

 

C2 – do we get to keep the treasure? (5 years old and I already feel kinda sorry for her future husband J)

 

Me – (barreling along) – right let’s type in ‘aquamarine’. [C3] help me out.

 

*C3 gets it right third time – Grade 1 teacher gets a mind–logged thumbs up* – mom adds the word ‘gemstone’ to avoid *noise*

 

C1, C3 – what’s that then? (looking at a SERP screen)

 

C2 – ooohhh! Pretty! (looking at picture of flawless aquamarine) Can we keep it?

 

Me – No, we can’t keep it. Hmmmm, actually…. speak to daddy. (Shame on me…) *Ahem* …well, each of those underlined blue lines is a different page on the internet that has different information and stuff to learn about aquamarine stones.

 

C1 – that’s like a gazillion pages mom. (I’m on normal search with 10 results)

 

Me – no honey, these are only ten pages OF a gazillion pages about aquamarines. These pages are listed here in what we call the search engine results page – which we call a SERP (smugly said with emphasis by all-knowing mom) Pick one and I’ll read something about aquamarines to you.

 

C2 – Will here be another picture? Can I tell daddy? Can we keep the next one?

 

C3 – Moooom…

 

Me – shh.

 

Mom breathes deeply and shifts small people around her lap and off her back to make viewing *more* pleasurable. Big office chairs are apparently made for 4 people. Mom reads about aquamarines – adlibbing a bit to make it more fun. Snow White and the seven dwarfs make a brief appearance in the narrative.

 

Me – So, let’s see how many other pages there are about aquamarines. *Click*, *Click*, *Click*

 

C2 – Mama?

 

Me – Yes sweetie?

 

C2 – Can we have some tea?

 

…. Some time later, and after a bath. Three dry, clean children back on and around bedraggled, drenched mother…

 

Me – Where were we?

 

C3 – You showed us loads of pages of stuff about aquamarik stones.

 

Me – YES! *err*, yes quite right dear. SO! There you have it!

 

Mom with Cheshire Cat grin prepares to close the deal.

 

Me – Mommy’s job is to help other people – like you –  find pages about aquamarine gem stones or other stuff that are really interesting and easy to use, and to make sure people – like you –  find them on the first page, not way out here in the nether-net (mom-word). It’s like helping people find the treasure they need everyday for all kinds of different things.

 

C3 – Totally get it mom. That’s great! You’re a userper.

 

C2 – No silly. She’s a aguamariking treasure hunter on the internest.

 

C1 – I don’t care what they say mom. You’re the best mommy ever. Can we see some real rocks now?

 

All three children stare at me expectantly. Mom totally thrown by obvious utter failure.

 

Me – …who want’s ice-cream at Callaway Park?!

 

Happy Ending….

 

C1, C2, and C3 – had a wonderfully expensive afternoon at Callaway Park….

 …

 

Other Ending… Mom is considering volunteering for a course in child communication….